I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
there's paper in my vomit.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Randomize
