Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
