it was like eating out sand paper
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
