I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
