Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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