Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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