im six kinds of drunk right now
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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