i think my tv is drunk
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
