My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
