I wish my penis had an off switch
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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