you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
