I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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