Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
babies were throwing up all over the place
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
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They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
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pray to the hookup gods
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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