you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
