Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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