the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
