I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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