If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
