physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
