The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
