So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You made out with two different species that night
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
