Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
