from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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