so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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