dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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