dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
