dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
