11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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