if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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