i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
