Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
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When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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