i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
