So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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