I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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