They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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