After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.