Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
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I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
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Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.