I'd wear matching sweaters with you
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
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There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
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I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.