Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?