I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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