Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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