my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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