I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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