I think my fart just growled at me.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
