Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I need a burrito and a hug.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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