Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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