the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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