I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
