i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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