sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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