for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
