Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
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We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
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First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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