It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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