So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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