Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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