Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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