dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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