The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
