1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
